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It would be wonderful if I could say that the reason it’s been a bit cold and gray around our house is because of the weather. The sky has been dark and gray, opening up enough to let snow drift softly to the ground, with breaks of sunshine coming time and again.
I wish that was all. But it’s not.
The reason for the gray I’ve seen this week is the fact that I won’t be able to hold my sweet, precious baby this side of eternity. It’s the fact that Aliyah won’t be holding her new baby sibling in October and gushing over the cuteness. It’s the fact that I had life growing inside of me, and now it’s not.
This past week I’ve been in and out of the hospital being poked and prodded, checked and tested. The result, there is no growth, there is no heartbeat.
I haven’t yet been able to actually say ‘it’ aloud, not even over the phone. I’m not really questioning and I know there’s always a bigger picture, yet I still look forward to the bursts of light that outshine the gray. I’m just resting in the peace that I know is not my own, knowing that the sun will get a bit brighter each day.
Briony says
my heart breaks as i read this…i am so sorry for your heartache, i am praying for peace and comfort to surround you. i love you and I am here if you need anything!
Prasti says
praying for you…
Jerrie says
So sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Really. Peace be with you!
Jenny in Utah says
I’m so sorry, I hope you find the comfort you need, I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.
Whitney says
Oh! I am so very sorry. This isn’t something that any woman should ever have to go through. Thank you for sharing this with us. I hope that you start to see and feel the sun sooner rather than later. You’ll be in my thoughts.
Rachel Ann says
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss…my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!
Midwest Mommy says
I am so sorry and my heart is breaking for you. I will be thinking of you and praying for you.
Alpaca Farmgirl says
Oh Tabitha,
I am so sorry.
I know that feeling. I feel so blessed to have 4 kids, but I have had 3 times when all was well with a pregnancy til the end of the first trimester, then – wham! no heartbeat.
I am such a fan of your blog, your photography. It cheers me so to read your comments on mine.
I will be thinking about you. hard. Be good to yourself. Your daughter will be such a comfort to you. Take good care of yourself.
Kim says
I am so sorry! I don’t even have the words to make you feel any better. I will be praying for you and your family during this time.
Simply Stork says
oh no! I am so sorry to hear this news. I will say a silent prayer for you all.
~simply~
Snarky A. says
My heart really breaks as I read this. I am so sorry.
My thoughts are with you and your family!
♥
Anonymous says
We are praying for you and your family… We know that God has plans for you and Chris and even though it is difficult not knowing why and we don’t always know those plans, He does and that is what is AWESOME. God loves you Tab and he will give you Peace beyond measure during this difficult time… we love you and are here for you in whatever way you need us…
John & Kellie Poehner
Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) says
Oh, I am so sorry to read this…you are in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGZ!))
Erin, Nick and Merrick says
Oh no Tabitha……..
So sorry.
Call Me Cate says
I’m so sad to read this. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Kelly says
oh, tabitha! my heart is breaking for you and i have tears in my eyes. i’m so sorry for your pain and sadness. i hope God can bring you peace in the midst of the trial. my love to you and your family. take care of yourself! BIG {{{{HUG}}}}}}}!
ELK says
this is the very first time to your space..i do not know why I came here saw your comment on another space…
sorry for your pain this day…ELK
Momma@Live. Laugh. Pull your hair out says
((hugs)) You are in my thoughts and prayers….things will brighten for you eventually.
Lisa Human: Human Touch Designs says
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. You will be in my prayers…
Christina Lee says
Oh Tab. I’m so sorry. I know the feeling of that loss. It may or may not bring you comfort to know that the same thing happened to me my second pregnancy. But I was so very surprised to hear so many others tell me their story after my loss. Many many hugs coming your way!
Jaden Paige says
Oh no! I am so sorry for your loss Tabitha… I hope your days begin to brighten soon. Sending warm hugs your way.
Tracy says
Oh sweetie I am so so sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how you are feeling all too well. My first pregnancy ended this way. Please let me know if there is anything I can do… listen, cry, virtual hugs. You and your family are in my prayers. Take comfort in God’s plan and know that He will have your angel up in heaven waiting for you one day. You will rock your precious baby to sleep one day… and until that day comes your baby will look down on you and be your guardian angel.
Please know that I am here for you.
(((hugs)))
Tracy
Amy says
I am so sorry.
Nancy says
Oh Tabitha, I am so sorry for you! Please KNOW that I am praying for you, and know that God loves you and He will hold your hand through this…lean on Him! Nancy
3 Bay B Chicks says
Tabitha. There really are no words. I read your post and comments several times. I wish there is more that I could do.
You and your family are in my thoughts. I hope that the sunshine does indeed manage to make its way back into your life soon.
-Francesca
Gerri says
Tab, my heart is so sad. I just want to give you a hug right now. I love you and am praying for strength and peace for you all.
Anonymous says
Tabitha, I Love You!
Jean
KDLOST says
I am so sorry. I will say prayers for you. Sending hugs and warm thoughts in this tough time.
Chris says
so sorry to hear this, something to cheer you up… i have an award for you at http://www.mommyjourney.com/2009/03/uber-amazing-blog.html
Becky says
I am so incredibly sorry! I cannot even imagine what emotions you must be experiencing right now. My heart breaks for you and your family. You will be in my prayers!
Ashley says
This sucks, Tabitha. I hope some sunshine comes your way soon.
MELISSA says
My heart is saddened to read this. I hope you find the peace that passes all understanding in the midst of this. God loves you Tabitha.
Praying for you,
Melissa
jennykate77 says
I’m so sorry. My prayers are with you and your family. I pray that God gives you comfort. He will show you the bigger picture…He’ll show you the plans He has for you. Trust in God and rest in the peace only He can give. Big *hugs*♥
Eli's Lids says
Oh no! You seem to have a great outlook. But remember it is OK to be sad, angry and to just grieve. God will meet you.
AngiDe- Nana's Box says
Oh I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Take comfort in the arms of your little one and in the love of your spouse.
XO
April says
oh sweetie, i’m so sorry. i’ve been there before and it’s heartbreaking. best wishes for a sparkly silver lining, sooner rather than later.
AnnD says
I am so very, very, very sorry. I lost our baby girl just last month. I began spotting and went in and the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks and 5 days…it has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through (as my life has been blessed exponentially)….it’s so weird…I’m just now getting back to blogging and photography and happened to hop on your blog to “catch up” and when I began reading this…my heart stopped (or lept up into my throat, one of the two) and I was reminded of my own pain. I am feeling so lost and broken…I had to put the pregnancy books away, I didn’t need my prenatal vitamins anymore…all that I was focused on and excited about was suddenly ripped away instantly. Most of my blogs have been about our lost September baby lately…if you ever want to talk, just ask for my email…it’s been so recent for both of us.
lizcooper says
As someone who lost a baby at 20 weeks, I am so very very sorry that you are having to endure such pain, sorrow, and suffering. Know that it will not be wasted and that your little one will never know the evils that awaited him or her. Your baby is perfected in Christ in Heaven! And God uses all of our trials for His glory!
When I am heartbroken which has been often and for long periods of time, I cling to this:
He will heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds. Psalm 147:3
antoinettemariew@blogspot.com says
i’m so heartbroken for your family sweetie, your in my prayers…i’ve been through this twice prior to asher. it was hard to explain to non-believers that the loss was as great for me as any child they have or person they’ve lost…but one day an exciting and soothing revelation came to me and that was when i arrive in heaven, i have two beautiful children there waiting to meet me…what peace that gave me and made me so honored and grateful to be a believer and member of the kingdom…as is your baby!
Dr. Wifey says
oh hun, i am so incredibly heart-broken for you right now. you are in my prayers and i hope that you are able to find some comfort in your grief
Blissful Babe says
OMG honey. I am so sorry to hear. My heart breaks for you. But you never cease to amaze me in all of your comforting positivity that seems to ooze from your blog.
May the Lord bless & keep your precious little one by His side in heaven.
And may the Lord bless & grant you peace.
Much love & blessings to my Fab Tab & family.
xoxo
Radiant Heart Yoga says
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shanti Mama says
I’m so sorry. Know that you have the strength and love of many of us mommies who have been on this sad journey too.
Janna Bee says
I am so terribly sorry Tabitha. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Sara says
Oh no! I am so sorry that this happened to you! You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Janie at Sounding Forth says
Oh, Tab-girl. I am so very sorry. Know that i am praying for y’all for comfort and peace during this time.
Charlotte (Life's a Charm!) says
be strong! … hugs and prayers!
Stephanie says
I can not imagine the pain you must feel…but know that my heart grieves with yours. My prayers will be with you and your family…and the light WILL chase those storm clouds away. Too often I’ve found through the rain are the rainbows…your positive outlook inspires me more than you know. My love to you and yours.
Rachael says
i am so sorry. during this overcast, cloudy time know that you are in my thoughts + prayers. though it is hard to see now, the sun will shine again.
Live.Love.Eat says
Oh Tabitha, I am so sorry. What a shock to go from your beautiful mosaic to the sad news. I gasped aloud and said “oh no.” Along with everyone else and all your bloggy friends, I will be thinking of you and praying for you and your family.
Anonymous says
I don´t know what to say. I so enjoy reading your blog, but this post brought tears into my eyes. I am so sorry for you and your family, and I am with you in my thoughts! I will be praying for you!
Ramona
Shannon says
As I went to scroll down after reading your shocking news my mind had already started preparing what to say (the switch from Reader to your blog to scrolling can take time when one wants to leave a comment). The first thing to come to my mind was, “Oh, Tabitha!” Then I noticed how many had started their comments with almost the same thing. Why do we as women always have the same reaction to things? Like whenever a group of women here or see something cute they generally say ‘Awe’ as a group (individually too really). Are we so pre-programed or just unoriginal? Sorry for the side trip. Depressing moments are the most side trip filled times for me. It’s like the mind just wants to get me on some other track to pull away from the sadness. You’ve had a tough time lately after so much joy and anticipation. It is my belief we will meet these children of ours who were never given the opportunity to experience this world when we make our way to the next. I will pray for you, my bloggy world friend.
BeckeyZ says
((((((Tabitha)))))))
Prayers and love to you and your family. I know it’s not easy.
G. says
I am so sorry Tabitha. May The Lord bring you comfort and peace. I can’t imagine all that you must be feeling and going through. My prayers and thoughts are with you.
Esther says
Looks like I’m a little slow with this, but this is my first time here…so enjoying your pictures and now, feeling your pain. I pray your finding your way…
Robin says
I too, am very late to this post. I’m not sure how I missed it…
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
xoxo
Aunt Spicy says
So I am a little late, but I have been reading your blog and this post was just too touching not to say that my heart and prayers are with you and your family!
traci says
Tabitha, I am so sorry that I missed this. My thoughts and prayers are with you. {{{HUGS}}}