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cold and grey

It would be wonderful if I could say that the reason it’s been a bit cold and gray around our house is because of the weather.  The sky has been dark and gray, opening up enough to let snow drift softly to the ground, with breaks of sunshine coming time and again.

I wish that was all.  But it’s not.

The reason for the gray I’ve seen this week is the fact that I won’t be able to hold my sweet, precious baby this side of eternity.  It’s the fact that Aliyah won’t be holding her new baby sibling in October and gushing over the cuteness.  It’s the fact that I had life growing inside of me, and now it’s not.

This past week I’ve been in and out of the hospital being poked and prodded, checked and tested.  The result, there is no growth, there is no heartbeat.

I haven’t yet been able to actually say ‘it’ aloud, not even over the phone.  I’m not really questioning and I know there’s always a bigger picture, yet I still look forward to the bursts of light that outshine the gray.  I’m just resting in the peace that I know is not my own, knowing that the sun will get a bit brighter each day.