I stare at the screen through tired eyes, the same story playing itself out like muscle memory after every trip and subsequent return home… start to unpack, laundry, homeschool a lesson on writing letters, give extra kisses and hugs goodnight, trying to catch up on sleep, pick lint from my toes. And except for the last two, muscle memory is winning out, taking me through the motions, all while I fiercely try and find words worthy of my feelings.
I don’t even know where to begin.
Thoughts swarm around through my head, unorganized and haphazardly, reminiscent of the mess of bags and suitcases still pouring out from the corners of my room where they were flung late Monday night upon my arrival home, as I threw everything out of my arms so I could fully scoop up my littlest little waiting up for mommy’s return. And trying to filter my emotions right now is like trying to sort through the waterfall of clothes and random junk still smelling of the rainy gusts of wind and exhaust of downtown Chicago.
One.
How can something so small, a number so seemingly insignificant, make such an impact and stir up such a whirlwind of feelings?
Since work was keeping me away from home on the actual first anniversary of my littlest’s birth, my husband packed up the kids and crossed the 300 miles of pavement separating us so that at the exact moment we scooped up his tiny little body and I held him close to my chest for the very first time, at 1:51 am, I could do it again exactly one year later. And I did. I tip-toed my way to his crib tucked into the corner of a dark hotel room and pulled him close as I gently kissed his head. The scent of it never was sweeter, and I cried.
One.
We celebrated, family style, with a night out on the town, shopping and ducking into one of our favorite Windy City joints for some gourmet mac-n-cheese, french fries and a cake of whipped cream made specially for the birthday boy. It was perfect.
As the lyrics to Happy Birthday slid from our lips, the memory of that day, the first day of the rest of our lives together, washed over me. It was sweet, and bittersweet. I’m proud of the boy he is already starting to become, a generous heart already emerging, and yet, that day, his Birth Day, the day so many things almost went wrong, but instead his perfect little cry and nestling his little body in close for his first nursing is something I never want to forget.
One.
The rest of our time together (before daddy had to leave and left big sister with me for a girl’s weekend), played out like a wonderfully scored movie, with high notes of the perfect popcorn and elated tones of splashing in the hotel pool to burn off energy before bedtime. We became lost in the architecture of the city, the tips of the buildings hovering under the clear blue canvas. The sounds of the taxis and buses, car horns and construction, voices and clippety-clop of shoes productively making their way from here to there all blended into our Brayden’s Birthday Celebration soundtrack perfectly, like it was meant to be. And really, all was as it should be.
Homegirl busted out this pose all on her own when I called her name with the camera aimed in her direction, and I have no idea where she gets it.
There’s more to come, because we’ll celebrate again. BIG. Because there’s no better reason to celebrate than life, than birth, and we like to do it big. So soon, when we’re home for more than just a couple of days at a time we’ll do it up Blue Friend and Family style. Plans are coming along.
One.
And tonight as I rocked my little one-year-old just a little longer because I couldn’t bear to part with him yet, succeeding to his crib, I felt it.
I remember those times on a school trip when the bus is filled with an overly annoying song, and we keep singing it over, and over, and over. And it’s stuck in our heads ALL DAY LONG. Then, when you’re supposed to be paying attention to the droning on about the gathering process of wheat, you’re actually bobbing your head wearing a crooked smile as you try your best to keep from belting out the lyrics.
My heart feels that way, constantly wearing a big smile and bopping it’s head to the beat of my two little ones, far past the end of the bus ride. And it’s a song I never want to end.
Stay tuned…
The month by month:
You can read more about each month here.
Jessica says
So I had to keep wiping away tears so I could finish this post. Except for the awesome backdrop of Chicago, I could almost use your words for my one year post… I felt ALL of it. The joy, the tears, the can’t lay them down, longer hugs…it seems so much more significant this time around & I thought it was big with Ethan. Awesome post, my dear, you have set the bar high š Love you, and LOVE your baby Blues š
Gerri says
Wow, one year, I can hardly believe it…
Lovely photos. It looks like you guys have a fabulous time!! Loved Aliyah’s pose, too much! š
Happy Birthday Bray-Man!!
Nessa says
I neer understood birthdays… I mean really understood them – until I was a mommy. This was beautiful. Happy Birthday Brayden and mommy.
Briony says
I still can’t believe a year has passed…it is mind boggling how fast it really goes. He is such an amazing little guy already I can’t wait to see what this new year brings.
Christina Lusk says
Oh my goodness, my heart ached for you as you had to leave again, and during such an all too precious season of life. Congratulations on seizing the “would be sad” moment and forcing it to submit to “live the moment merriment.” Proud to call you friends. May we all learn from the “Do-it-up-big-as-you-can-wherever-you-you-are” Blues. Love you all! Happy Birthday Bray!
Jen says
time flies.
happy birthday!!
Corey~living and loving says
What a perfect post. š it speaks from a mother’s heart, and that I understand. ā„
Love the pics of you and him with the whipped cream on his face. those are priceless.
Happy birthday to you and your sweet boy!
Melissa says
How beautiful Tabitha, you have a true gift with words…it sure warms my heart to read this, Happy Birthday to you sweet Little!
antoinette marie says
what a journey…it’s been such a blessing watching him grow! had to laugh to myself that i don’t even realize at times that he has hair like that cause he wears such cool hats all the time, lol! nice job for being so tired…..happy birthday bray!
withoutadornment says
Happy Birthday to your little boy! I think is so awesome that you were all able to get together and celebrate! Great photos. š
Sort of as a random aside: as a non-parent I think it’s really cool to have the one month photos of babies as you can see how much more engaged they are and their personalities start to shine through as they get older.
Life with Kaishon says
He is just precious Tabitha! I can not believe he is one! This year seemed to fly, right? I am glad you have so much love and happiness in your life. It makes me gleeful!
The Rheinlander's says
Oh what a cutie!! My little monkey is almost 16 months old… and I know just what you mean by holding on just a little longer : )
Kimberly says
How storybook! The pictures every month are so amazing. I love that his precious little face looks exactly the same from 3-12 months – same beautiful face on a sweet little growing body!
Design It Chic says
You have such an adorable family, Tabitha! And i am simply amazed by your photographic skills tied nicely with a bow of excellent words:) You rock! I am now following you thanks to Friend Finding Friday, and it would be so nice if you could share the love back on my blog;)
Also today we have the coolest blog hop there is… no rules just fun and would love you to join in with us at Boost My Blog Friday, where you can meet lots of friends and have a great time:) See you there!
Happy Friday!
Brooke Douglass says
What a great post!!!! I absolutely love all your pics! I am your newest follower and hope that you will come be a follower at my blog!!! brooke
[email protected]
Girl Boy Girl Inspired
Heavenly Savings says
Cute Blog! Iām a new follower Happy Friday!! I would love for you to stop and take a look at my blog as well! Thanks!
http://heavenlysavings.blogspot.com
shelley says
tabitha,
omg what beautiful photo’s i love the monthly photos.. what a great idea!! love that! happy bday to your little one.
as far as the 31dbbb it is a LOT of reading.. i know it is hard to keep up with a family and blog and do this at the same time… you can always pick it up at any time.. i’m here if you have any questions.. keep in touch!
shelley š
Paula says
A sweet, sweet post. I’m stopping by from SITS.
Happy birthday to your little boy! Mine is just 5 1/2 months and I’m just back to blogging after about year away.
I love the photography on your site. Gorgeous š
MommyNamedApril says
oh girl this made me cry. i cannot believe it’s been a year already. (((HUGS))))