“Your day will go the way the corners of your mouth turn.”
Here it comes. I’m sitting down to write now with the kids dreaming in the slanted daylight of midday nap time, and I’m just going to let it flow. I’m not sure exactly what will come out or what I’ll type, but I do know this, it will be real. Real life. It’s easy in this culture to share, and to over share. And though I don’t always like to “air my laundry” per se, I like to be real. I love to meet people who inspire me and hope to inspire others as we all live this life together, and share. Share our ups and downs, share joys and fears. And this space here? While I share recipes we’ve tried and loved and clothes that the kid’s want to live in, it’s also a place for me to sort thoughts and emotions, to fold them and knead them until something beautiful happens. Until everything mixes together and after some time and some heat, what’s pulled out in the end is a delicate balance of hard edges that are made better by a soft and tender center.
So I’m about to share, and mix in thoughts and feelings, and in the end we may have a mess or we may have the perfect loaf to share together. Let’s see.
(End of a very long disclaimer.)
It was the perfect setting for the announcement, just before Father’s Day the one test I took gleamed with pink lines. Two of them. I cried and I smiled. I felt my stomach and said hello to the little gift of life that I had the privilege to carry. I’d been extremely tired, and now I was so happy to be tired. Car rides made me queasy, and now I welcomed the queasiness.
I marvel at the beauty of women’s bodies, at the way just a seed can bloom into life and grow. How our bodies become nutrient centers and give life to something, to someone, that otherwise couldn’t sustain it.
Plans were already being laid for a fun “last” Christmas with our two littles and a big belly promising a third. January 28, 2013 already had a countdown running with apps on our phones and a check mark on the calendar, and the thought of a Florida winter baby had the corners of my mouth turned up. Yet, somewhere deep down, I think I knew.
And just as I’m not the only woman who’s gone through this process, this awe, this excitement to hold in your arms what you’ve been holding for months in a little belly cacoon, I’m also not the only one who’s lost. And this time, after almost 12 weeks of giving life, of learning of life inside me and of loving that little precious life, last Saturday night my water broke and seconds later we said goodbye to our tiny one-and-a-half inch baby as my heart shattered into the tears I was leaving on the floor.
Now, one week later, fresh, warm tears still well up as I write.
Though that night it took awhile for me move outside of the solace I felt in the arms of my husband, I also felt peace. I feel peace.
We prayed and we rested and we know that this isn’t the end, not even close, but rather the beginning of the rest of our story, of our family’s story. Yes we are sad, yes we feel loss and yes I grieve, but we aren’t devastated. We’re so blessed by the two beautiful children that we’re privileged to raise, and though they may not understand fully, they know that this mama’s needed some extra love this past week, and they give it wholeheartedly.
Last Saturday, I joined a league of extraordinary women who’ve felt loss, and many more than once, who crave a little bundle to hold in their arms, who desire the chance to “be with” child or to have another… and together we look with promise to the future. I may not be holding this tiny bundle in my arms come the start of the new year, but hopefully my body will be a gentle home, carrying one.
I know there’s comfort in the fact that this happened fairly early, that I hadn’t felt movement or kicks yet, and my heart goes out to those who’ve experienced the true and tragic loss of their loved ones. People who expected nothing but life and had it taken at the hands of another, like in the recent and devastating events in Aurora, people who’ve loved and held and yet have still lost.
I’m strengthened in knowing that with all of the disappointments in life there are many more opportunities for joy and excitement, for fresh starts and new chapters. And though some days may begin with the corners of my mouth turned down, I know it doesn’t have to stay that way. All it takes sometimes is a little smile, a small step, the beginnings of a grin… and it grows.
Yes, it sucks to have to run to the drugstore and choose between packages of Always and Stayfree when I was just recently in the other aisle smelling Burt’s Bees Baby Oil. And it sucks when I can’t blame the word I can’t think of on “pregnancy brain” or when I realize it’s ironic that I packed bright red jeans to wear on our trip because I couldn’t find that white skirt… and I’m grateful for it.
But those are the days where the seed of a contagious, and somewhat sarcastic, smirk turns into something more, and as the corners of my mouth turn up, so does my day.
We are doing beautifully, we are living in sweet peace and our smiles have been jumpstarted by the outpouring of generous texts, calls, flowers, emails and hugs from friends.
I feel loved, I feel blessed and deep down I know, this really is in fact the beginning. The beginning of the rest of our story… a new chapter. And I will start it with turning the corners of my mouth up.
Nessa Bixler says
Tabitha, tears and smiles for you. How could I not smile after seeing that beautiful, happy photo of you guys. This is a beautiful, bitter sweet post. Thank you for sharing.
Fresh Mommy says
Thank YOU for your kind words 🙂
Briony says
i love you.
Fresh Mommy says
Love you!
Adrienne says
Smiling through my tears. Heart, thoughts and prayers are with you ~
Dawn says
Keeping you in my prayers <3 Deut. 33:12
Soulfuldancer says
Prayers for you Tab. ((((hug))))
Janelle says
I have read your blog from time to time, but I have never commented. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby a little over a year ago and shortly after found out my (soon to be ex) husband was having an affair. I want to let you know that the pain will subside. Your baby will always hold a piece of you, but life will go on. One of the most comforting things to me has been knowing that I will get to meet the baby I lost in heaven. That one day I will get the chance to be his/her mom.
Give yourself the time to grieve. No one fully understands the pain of this kind of loss unless they have been through it themselves. It’s okay to be sad, even months after the loss. God created mothers to love abundantly and attach to our babies. He will give you the chance to hold your baby one day, but until then I am sure that He will let your baby know how much you love him/her.
Christina Lusk says
Oh, Tabitha. We didn’t know. My heart knows, and loves, and grieves, and shares, and rejoices, and cries, and hopes with you. I know you of all people will understand that crazy mess of a sentence. We love you so dearly and your precious unborn. Our prayers are with you. Here’s to upturned smiles.
Fresh Mommy says
Cheers! Love you, and I totally understood and appreciate every single word.
Amy Renea says
Tabitha – -I am so sorry — I wish I could give you a real hug….
You have handled your loss with the most amazing amount of courage-insight-peace-I dunno what, but it is amazing t read your words and feel your heart through your words. You are an inspiration even in loss — but I really do wish I could give you a real hug…
Izzy, Emmy 'N Alexander says
A beautiful series of words, that deserve hugs and hope. Thank you for sharing, and I look forward to hearing about the many chapters to come. 🙂 *hugs*
esther says
I am sorry for your loss Tabitha!! much love and hugs to you and your beautiful family! And for the baby that is in the arms of God <3
Jessica says
You can’t see the tears as I wipe them off my phone screen. You can’t hear my sobs. And you can’t feel my arms around you, but it’s all happening… from much too far away. You have survived this before and you got the most perfect Brayden…it will happen again. I love you and your beautiful family. And can I just say this might be one of my favorite pictures of you and the kids? Beautiful :)Love you, dear friend.
living to create says
My dearest Tabitha. You are an amazing human being. You inspire me. I send you much love, and hugs and kisses.
Melanie @ Whimsical Creations says
Huge hugs!!!
Silvia says
I wish I could give you a hug. a real one.
you are an amazing woman. be sure of that.
much love,
SÃlvia
Everyday Brittney says
I am so sorry for your loss Tab! Praying for healing for your hearts, and your body!
rdhosmer says
So sorry to hear of your loss. You are such an awesome woman of God and I know he will give you the desires of your heart in His perfect timing. Love you Tab and are praying for you and Chris.
Wendy says
So sorry Tabitha. Thank you for sharing your story so beautifully. God will continue to bless you and your family with love and life. Hugs to you.
Jaden Paige says
Just want to say I’m thinking of you and your family and am so sorry for your loss… I am happy to read that you are taking it in stride and allowing yourself the space and time to feel any way that you need to feel. You are an incredible woman, who I have admired for a long time now, and your posts are always an inspiration, even in the face of darkness. Sending love to you from across the miles. <3
Amanda says
Tabitha,
Brave, brave woman. Even in your loss, you bring hope and joy to others through your words, and willingness to reach out and bring people in. You are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing. You are truly God’s gift and we all cherish you.
Rosa Clifford says
Take time to grieve and take comfort in knowing that God has it all under control.
I have no doubt that our little ones are hanging out together, keeping each other company and enjoying the wonders of eternity together.One day, we will see them again:)
I know we have longed for the day we can spend eternity with the Lord but after something like this happens…the longing just gets sweeter.
HOPE never dies.
Love you very very much my dear friend.
Gerri says
Love you Honey…
Jessica Hodge says
So sorry to hear this. Bryana is going to be broken hearted to hear this too. Our Love and Prayers are being sent your way!
Pattty says
Sorry to hear this. Love you.
Life with Kaishon says
I am so sorry for your loss. So very, very sorry. Sending love and prayers your way.
Casey Philips says
Tabitha,
I had no idea. I am so sorry for your family’s loss yet at the same time I am inspired and in awe of how brave you are for posting your thoughts and feelings and also how strong in your faith you stay even through trying times. I feel terrible that you are always there for me and asking how things in my life are going and you were going through all of this and I was oblivious. I am so happy I met you and Chris and was introduced to your wonderful and accepting Church. You and Bri have been so welcoming and caring and I really appreciate your friendship. So I hope you know how much you both mean to me and that I am praying for you to continue to have peace and happiness and also praying to thank God for bringing you all into my life.
Kimberly Huber says
Visiting from SITS & sending big hugs.