You know, that impeccably perfect vision of the “she” we think we should be rearing in the corner of our mind’s eye. The “she” we want to be. The one that somehow manages to be clean and styled, with clean and styled kids, who eats organically, who is always packed and prepared for what is to come, who’s home is “magazine ready” while something delicious, and of course healthy, bakes in the oven.
How does she do it?
I was walking our adorable and rambunctious little puppy, Penelope, today, with Brayden in the stroller… a new routine of ours where blue skies welcome us under their own spring song and where the wheels of the little buggy I push hum along in harmony. The stroller comes in handy as I’ve been extending our walks a little bit lately and we both love our time together with fun little conversations and fresh air. This time, however, he wasn’t so keen on our little venture, at least not in the beginning. Aliyah had a friend over, and after the late bedtimes for everyone on this little girl’s first sleepover night, they needed a few moments of play time without a little brother or bouncing puppy raining on their girl-time parade. While we turned the last corner with our house in sight, Penelope squats her hind parts and I quickly look at our empty leash for the doggie bags that are supposed to be there. They aren’t. And I’m unprepared.
How does she do it?
How does she keep up with two kids and dinner making? With a clean home and a puppy? With finances and bills and home-making and staying awake long enough to chat with friends while a little bun bakes in the oven?
“Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world.” ~Sarah Ban Breathnach
Tonight, with feet up and a fan running overhead, not because it’s quite hot on this particular spring day in Florida necessarily, but because I’m hot… an unusual new sensation for me to feel as of late, I had my epiphany. I may not be the she I hold a firm grip on in my mind hoping to become… but I’m the she I was created to be. I’m the she that’s raising two, and soon to be three, beautiful children in this big, crazy, wonderful, scary world… and loving them until it hurts. I’m the she that tries because doing something and failing is better than giving in to the fear of what failure might bring, and doing so is living in a kind of self-induced failure already… though procrastination isn’t completely out of my living vocabulary yet. I’m the she that tucks in sleepy, yawning heads with kisses after chasing around the attached crumb-droppping hands all day. And I’m the she that breathes in the heavenly scent of Brayden curls as he climbs on the couch and folds his toddler body into my arms to cuddle or that boasts over the adorably crafted doodles from Aliyah’s pen.
Yes, life is a constant lesson, we are all learning and growing… and we all have room to learn and grow. But I’m realizing that I am the she that I need to be, right here and right now… and I’m grateful to be her.